Facing your fears means facing yourelf

2020 has been a doozy for us... 2020 has been a doozy for me. 

At the end of 2019 I was watching a YouTube psychic reading tarot cards for different rising signs. When she got to mine she said there was going to be A LOT of work in 2020, but also a lot of rewards. 

Well I know that there are many skeptics out there, including my own hubby, but I will tell you, so far she ain't lying. 

In January of 2020, I had a very important and long-coming conversation with my mother. One that was painful for both of us, but it was cleansing. I don't think that our conversation is over and I think time will tell what the true result of that will be, but after that phone call, I had weeks of emotional work. I went through all the stages of grief, and it was hard to find my ground again after that. But at the same time I was immensely proud of myself for finally putting my feelings first.

Something I have always prided myself in is that I will never settle. That mentality brought me to my beautiful compassionate and supportive husband, that mentality brought me to my incredibly rewarding career, and that mentality brought me to this city I love so so much. So I decided I wasn't going to settle in the relationships I have with my family, I was going to push it hopefully to a place where we can all heal, and move on together stronger and more importantly truly supporting and loving each other unconditionally. I still have hope for that, but I know more work is needed before we can even get there.

In February I was approached by the Douglas in regards to me being on a waiting list for a DBT class (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). This class was on a hiatus, but I was put on this waiting list back in 2017 when I was going through a very difficult time with my mental health, which culminated in my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. Since that time I had done a lot of CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) work, but I still was struggling with some of the remaining symptoms of my BPD. 

In all honesty, if that conversation with my mom didn't happen in January, I probably would have given up my spot. But I guess the universe or some higher power was intervening, or it was just my luck, I knew I needed the help, so I said yes.

Now super quick, in a very simplified nutshell, CBT is more about understanding your emotions and unlearning your unhelpful thought patterns specifically, DBT offers you the skills on how to deal with your emotions. This class is split up between Mindfulness practice, Emotion Regulation, Distress Tolerance and finally Interpersonal Effectiveness. 

Now I can tell you, since this class began I have been changing. I have had less outbursts, I am more decisive with my feelings about things, and how I interact with people is changing. All because I am realizing that I matter. My views matter, the space I take up is ok, and could actually expand. But most importantly I am gaining control over my impulses, which have been a huge part of what has been affecting my physical and mental health. It's been such a beautiful, dizzying, emotionally draining but extremely rewarding journey. 

I mean the psychic said there would be work right? Lol.

In March the pandemic came to Canada, and Montreal became the Canadian epicenter for the disease. Before my very eyes I was seeing my dreams crumble. My career? Who knows! DBT class? Postponed indefinitely. Leaving the house? SCARY! But the thing that really got me down was hearing about all the people dying. To think those people started the year off with hopes and dreams and then it's all gone in a flash. 

March was my first introduction to existential dread. March really sucked. 

April is a blur to be honest. It was just trying to thrive at a time when every day was the exact same. Wake up, watch Trudeau's announcement while hubby made breakfast. Then it was what menial task can I do today to pass the time? 

It was a period of great uncertainty and worry, but my DBT class was being held over zoom so I was really being given some time to truly learn my skills and put them into practice. 

In May we were made aware of my husband's father being very ill. We were getting increasingly worried about his mom and her having to carry the burden of caring for her husband, because she couldn't really get help at home during the lockdown, and them being in Calgary we felt really helpless.

At the same time, we entered into a movement that had been A LONG time coming (about 400 years). And while many people received the Black Lives Matter movement in many different ways, for me it hit differently. This movement includes people who are a huge part of my world, like my husband who is a black man. And for me it was about finding justice for him, for his mother, and for the child we will (hopefully) have together. And the mental gymnastics I was witnessing was incredibly distressing. 

What was it that the psychic said about there being a lot of WORK in 2020? Lol.

Near the end of June, my father-in-law had a bad fall and was put into the hospital again. We were at the end of our rope and so incredibly worried that we decided it would be best for my husband to go to Calgary on a one-way ticket to be there to help his mom and hopefully his dad when he could leave the hospital and go home. 

So July has brought me a full month away from my love. Carrying our two-person life all by myself. While he has helped with the business from afar, the day-to-day labor has been all on me. 

I have to tell you, it's been hard. Holding down the fort? I can do that. Making sure dishes are done, the house is clean, etc. I can do that! But doing all of that on top of client requests, designing albums, editing photos, and shooting sessions? It's definitely been tough. 

Doing all of that on top of missing my soulmate has been near unbearable.

But the psychic said there would be A LOT of work right?

I am proud of the personal growth I am experiencing this year. I am at the exact same time, so sad about the loss of life this year has shown us. I am so sad about the inequality this year has shown us. The people underpaid and underappreciated bearing so much of the brunt of this pandemic, then having to face people who are uninterested in giving up their way of life to help reduce the weight these people carry. 

I am sad to see that people still need to fight for justice. I am sad there are people who are still blind (willfully or ignorantly) to the lack of justice and inequality that exists all over the world, but more importantly, in our own backyard. 

But here's the thing that the first half of 2020 has taught me. 

Face everything head-on. YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH. Stop settling. Do the work. The REWARDS are worth it!

I am learning so much about what I used to think comforted me (like a good ol' chocolate bar lol) doesn't really work anymore. I find comfort in the quality of my life. 

I will say it again, I find comfort in the QUALITY of my life.

I am so much more grateful this year than I ever have been in my life. Because with all of the work (and there has been A LOT of it) I am finding these pockets of pure beauty. I am safe, I am loved, and I matter. That's all anyone really asks for. And I have worked to build that for myself and for the ones I love. And I will not stop doing the work. This beauty, this peace can never be given to you. You must earn it, through doing the work of facing YOURSELF and how you navigate through your life, by making yourself uncomfortable with settling for less than you deserve. And finally by doing the work. Just do the work. Whatever the work is for you, do it. It's worth it. 

So while this year has been so incredibly hard, it has also taught me that I have immense strength, that I am worthy of the life I am working towards, and that the work itself, the discomfort and uncertainty of it, is what makes the result that much sweeter. 

Because I can't even tell you how AMAZING being in my beautiful man's arms is going to feel when he finally gets home.