Lux’s Story Part 1 | In pregnancy, nothing goes the way you would expect

I had a beautiful idea of what my pregnancy would be like. Cute morning sickness, adorable food aversions, some minor body pains. Baby kicking and twirling inside you, having your partner feel his child move from the outside. A labor and delivery at home, with a midwife, in candlelight or daylight, in a birthing pool. 

Oh boy was I wrong. 

It all began when I went to get my IUD out with an obgyn, expecting and hoping that she would follow my pregnancy when it happened. Turns out she couldn't. Why you ask? Because of my BMI. I had a BMI of over 50. This meant that there were only three hospitals in all of our city that would have beds big enough to hold me should I need a c-section. 

Personally I find this incredibly ridiculous. If I had been three inches taller and the same weight my BMI would have qualified me for any of the hospitals in the city. 

And so began the list of disappointments and reality checks of my pregnancy. It was one thing after another.

I was high risk because of my previous bariatric surgery and my BMI, I had morning sickness off and on during the entire pregnancy (and funny how it could happen at any time of day, she says sarcastically). I was extremely tired in the first trimester, hoped for more energy in the second and was bumped up to just tired, and then back to just wiped in the third. I had pelvic floor pain. I had gestational diabetes (which they diagnosed based on me having a big baby… turns out he's just tall like the rest of his Dutch lineage). Because of the gestational diabetes I had to give myself insulin every night (I HATE NEEDLES) and I was told I would have to induce. So no natural labor for me, no cute little oh whoopsie my water broke (I know it's not cute, but to me at the time it was such a cool thing to possibly get to experience). And finally in the final hours of my pregnancy I got preeclampsia. 

What I learned during all of this time was the pregnancy is not easy at all. Even for the moms who get it "easy" it's not easy. Your body is changing in such a rapid rate, and your hormones are all over the place. There is a price to pay for the magic that is happening inside you. 

For me it was worth every moment, every disappointment, every daydream shattered. But I can tell you it didn't feel worth it at the time. 

The thing that carried me through all of the disappointments was visualizing how it would feel to see his little face. How he would feel in my arms. Imagining him lying beside me in his bassinet. Daydreaming about his beautiful smile. Smelling his baby smell. Feeling the wonder of being able to feed him with my body. Getting to watch my soulmate, his father, look at him in wonder. Seeing my husband become a father.

This is what carried me through it all. 

And all of those daydreams came true.

Pregnancy is a hard and humbling experience. And I joke now in my maternity sessions because I am obviously putting these women in positions that do not reflect that struggle, the sacrifices and the primal vulnerability it can bring on. But I stand by my style of photographing pregnant women even more steadfastly than before. 

What is happening IS magical. It doesn't feel magical all the time but why not capture it as such. Why not leap forward to the worth it portion of the experience a little early.