My Breastfeeding Journey

As my breastfeeding journey is slowly coming to an end, I wanted to write about my own experiences. I don't know if this is something that is often written about, but when I was looking for more information while I was pregnant, I didn't quite find anything quite like this. So I thought I would share my journey in hopes of helping new mamas know a little more about what to expect. I would also like to normalize the fact that breastfeeding is often difficult. It's not always the answer or even what’s best for your baby, but if breastfeeding your child is important to you, you can succeed at it. 

Before Birth

I knew before having Lux that breastfeeding was going to be super important to me. I had read all the health and safety benefits of it, and although I knew that it wasn't guaranteed that I would be successful I knew I really wanted to try. 

When discussing breastfeeding or plans to breastfeed I received many different reactions. The one that stood out to me most was a medical professional telling me that breastfeeding is very difficult and that I shouldn't put much stock in actually being able to do it. This medical professional was a mother and personally found breastfeeding hard so basically she was trying to convince me to not even try. It was so strange to have this person say that to me. Especially when I expressed how important it was for me to at least give it a shot. It also made me sad to think of all the other pregnant women she spoke to hearing the same thing. I am lucky to be working in a profession where breastfeeding is often openly discussed, whether it is between other photographers or with my clients. I knew breastfeeding wasn’t the simply magical and fully natural thing it is often toted to be. It is hard, it takes practice and sometimes it just isn’t what is best for mom or for baby. But, that decision is totally a personal one and I really wish that more people would remember that and trust and support the mother’s ultimate decision.

Unfortunately, what I have noticed about the medical profession in regard to breastfeeding (from my own personal and my client’s anecdotal experiences) is that they often acknowledge the difficulty of breastfeeding. Either they are over-the-top encouraging for you to give it your all, or they are gently against it and will really push the usage of formula. Now, I am sure they have reasons that I don't understand for doing this, but one thing that I noticed either way, is that there wasn't much effort put into actual education or guidance for breastfeeding. 

I also did a lot of my own research on Google and Youtube to try and find support or instruction on how to breastfeed. There was a lot of information that was helpful, but most of the bodies (and frankly breasts) that were represented were thin, white women. This is not me, nor is it a lot of other people I know. So that was hard to navigate and understand how some of these pointers could possibly work for me. For instance, often it is suggested that you lie down and breastfeed. Well. if I do that my nipple is completely buried under the rest of my breast, and all I could think of was that my baby is gonna be smothered.

Due to the frustration of my research and discussions with my clients—whom I often speak openly with—I immediately knew I wanted to speak with a lactation consultant. I was worried due to the size of my breasts, the location of my nipples, and my weight that breastfeeding was going to be very different than what I was seeing represented online. I knew that the hospital provided a lactation consultant, but I felt like my issues were more personal and not something I would want to bring up in a group setting. So I met with my lactation consultant—Wendy—online via a Zoom meeting when I was about 34 weeks. Within an hour she had me feeling prepared and empowered to be able to successfully do this. All of my questions were answered! Even ones I felt were silly, she took them seriously and eased my mind. I am so grateful that we chose to have a lactation consultant (and she was very affordable too!)

Immediately after birth

One pointer Wendy gave us that really came in clutch was to express milk in the couple weeks before birth. This meant that my breasts were already producing milk (and would hopefully help my milk come in faster after Lux was born), and that while we were waiting for my milk to come in and trying to breastfeed, we could feed Lux the expressed milk so he didn't starve, and although he did lose some birth weight he was already regaining it before we left the hospital. This was also helpful due to my gestational diabetes, because having milk for him ready meant that his sugar levels never fluctuated and allowed us to pass that initial 12 hours of testing his sugar with flying colours.

While we were at the hospital we had a very confusing moment. When we told one nurse that we had already expressed milk to feed our baby she gave us these special syringes to feed him the milk with. We had to do it slowly she said, but that we should be fine. So we were doing that until about a day later when another nurse came in and said that we shouldn't feed him with the syringes because that could make him choke and they are very unsafe. We were very confused because we were given the syringes by one nurse and pretty aggressively admonished by another. 

One thing this new nurse did advise us of was to put our milk in a tiny plastic cup (like the cups they give you your pills in) and dip our little finger in it and then rub the roof of his mouth, which will awaken his sucking reflex, then we could try to offer the breast for feeding and if he takes that, awesome, if not we can offer him the milk from the cup and pour it into his mouth. This pointer had Lux latching to my right breast immediately and all of a sudden I was breastfeeding my baby! 

He would eat fully from one breast in a feeding. Meaning my other side would be offered for the next feeding and we would switch sides every feeding. This is where the Haakaa came in handy because instead of always feeling lopsided and/or having milk wasted by soaking my shirt, I would attach the Haakaa to the other breast and it would, by using suction, collect the milk that Lux wasn’t eating that feeding. We would store that milk, and use it for when I needed rest and Chuck could feed him, or if not used in time, to be added to his bath. The Haakaa works best when it is attached just as baby starts feeding on one side, because the other side will let down at the same time. The suction then pulls the rest of the milk out of the breast. This helped me have ample supply to be able to have Lux be fed at times when I was working and unable to breastfeed him. It was also great to allow Chuck to develop his relationship with Lux, by letting him do some of the feedings too. :)

But all was not easy. My left nipple was small and considered a “flat nipple.” And it was incredibly hard for Lux to latch on that side. It got so bad that when I knew that the next feeding was going to be the left side I immediately would get anxious and it was all I could think about. I would try and help him to latch, but often he would wake up ravenously hungry and any struggle to latch would pretty quickly lead to full baby meltdown. Often Chuck would have to step in to help me because in my anxiety I can get tunnel vision and I am not very good at problem solving. Once again, Wendy came in clutch with an email suggesting that we use our hand pump to pump the left side just to start and then present the breast to Lux. This made the nipple extend a little and actually made the latching much easier. It didn't work every time and I had a lot of hard moments because of it. I hated pumping. I hate how it made me feel and I wanted to do this all without having to pump. But Lux needed me to put that aside so… I did it! And when my anxiety wouldn't let me, Chuck would step in and mediate. 

One thing that helped immensely was talking to other moms about my flat nipple, I was surprised to find how common that actually is, and in one of these discussions I spoke to a mom who told me that it would get easier and in fact for her son, her flat nipple side was actually his favourite side now. And low and behold! It's been the same for Lux. It's his favourite side and my easiest side to feed him on now!

How it went?

I don't know when it happened but eventually feeding got a lot easier. Lux's mouth got big enough to deal with latching on a flat nipple and he became a very efficient eater. It got easier. It took practice and patience but it did get easier. And never once was his weight a concern. Eventually it was a simple and normal part of our routine. That first weeks of anxiety were behind us and he was growing so healthy. When he got too big for the newborn hold it took a little bit to figure out what position he preferred, but otherwise it truly was smooth sailing.

A frustrating interaction with a family member (older person) was that I should stop breastfeeding him because he wasn't sleeping through the night. Obviously he wasn't being fed enough if he was up every 3, 4, or 5 hours. This didn't make any sense to me for two reasons, Lux was growing beautifully and was well within a healthy weight. And the second is that babies are SUPPOSED to wake up at night. It sucks for us, and sometimes some babies don't, but majority of the time them waking up at night is a life saving technique they innately have. According to my research about newborn sleeping patterns (and because it's my job lol, I do a lot of research on it), newborns sleep lightly in order to help ensure that they remember to breathe. Light sleeping and frequent waking isn't a bad thing and it's actually your baby doing their job perfectly. So keep that in mind because often older and well meaning family members will make these suggestions because in their time these things weren't widely known so a baby sleeping through the night was an "easy" or "good" baby.

How did breastfeeding feel?

There was this pure feeling of accomplishment and pride in knowing that I was able to provide for my son. My relationship with my body has always been a contentious one, due to past trauma I have had. I was worried how it would feel physically - it hurts sometimes (especially when he is teething lol) but otherwise its just the feeling of him pulling the milk, there are no physical feelings of pleasure, which is something I was also worried about. But mentally it has felt wonderful for my body to have a purpose. And in many ways that has been very healing for me. It has reminded me that my body is a tool that allows me to enjoy life and I need to respect it as such. Having my body create and sustain life hasn't replaced the trauma or completely healed my body issues but it has been a definite positive reinforcement that I never anticipated it would be. 

How has it been going?

Lux will be 18 months old in a couple of weeks and I already have seen signs of him starting to wean himself off. He has refused the breast multiple times now and will only eat first thing in the morning and just before bed. 

I was surprised at the time how sad it made me feel (although after writing the last section I realize that the impact of breastfeeding has been huge on me personally). But with that sadness came pride in him for taking his own autonomy. I will always feel that bittersweet pride when I see him take those independent steps, and I know he will be independent because both his dad and I are fiercely so. It will mean a step away from needing me which will hurt, but it will mean a step towards him becoming himself and I know that he will just be more and more beautiful with every step. 

So that's as much as I can fit into one blog about breastfeeding haha, it's a lot! But I know I would have loved something like this when I was pregnant and wondering. I truly hope this helps, and if you have any questions at all please put them in the comments of this blog, if I can’t answer I will try and help you find that answer. :)

Also if you are interested in working with Wendy, let me know and I will give you her contact info!